the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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