Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
