i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
