and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
