theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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