I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
