Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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