Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
