walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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