Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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