the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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