A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
