Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
