hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
