My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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