Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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