dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
