If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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