Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Plan B is the new Plan A
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.