I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
