Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
