your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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