I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
