i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
