I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
