if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
