she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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