I accidentally had phone sex last night
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
