When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
