Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
