I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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