I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
