How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.