I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!