Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
