WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
