so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
