my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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