The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
