if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
