i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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