I faked an abortion last night.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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