Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
