The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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