Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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