I think I won the penis lottery.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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