dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Define "chronic" masturbator.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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