Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
