I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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