The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
