last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
