dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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