Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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