how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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