I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry about my life...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
