Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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