i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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