So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
