sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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