areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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