Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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