So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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