So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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