I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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