oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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